my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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