just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Randomize