just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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