So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
