The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
