Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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