Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I think i got beer on your cat.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
