Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
