I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
