her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
