Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Blood and glitter go together right?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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