Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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