Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize