He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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