Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
