I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
