I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I enjoy the company of your penis
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
