please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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