youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
