he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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