worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
