stop calling my apartment porn island.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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