WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
