Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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