If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
