I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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