So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Randomize
