I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
