he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
