it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
