I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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