I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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