I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Also, beer. Big fan.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
