My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just googled if crying burns calories
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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