Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
