This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
