My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
