At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
