i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I use my feet as sexual weapons
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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