i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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