Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize