She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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