Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
