my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
