you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
