Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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