She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
