Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I lost the right to judge tonight
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize