Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
