i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
