If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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