come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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