Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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