I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
