Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize