is your mom at the bar?
i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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