Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
