i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
