don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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