Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
