i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
