Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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