my mouth tastes like poor choices
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
you made out with another girl for some wings
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize