Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
