I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
how does that bad decision feel?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
